Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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