omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
