OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
