I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
