Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
