i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
