I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
