dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
