Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize