come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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