We're like a lot better than the average bears
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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