I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
