I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
