Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
