don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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