you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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