Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Oh god it's open bar.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
