nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
