She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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