as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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