new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
