I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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