he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
