I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
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