Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
