yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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