Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
