We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
