I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
