There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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