there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
