I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
