Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
