Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize
