We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
