a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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