where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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