I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
