Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm like, not good at living.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
