Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
