I'm going to rape someone's good day.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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