Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
