I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I didn't notice because vodka
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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