well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
