Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
