Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
