i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
