i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
