can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
