I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize