I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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