Your mouth is God's brothel.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
