apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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