I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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