OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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