Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
