Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This baby is an asshole
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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