im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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