I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
it hurts more in the daytime
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
