cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
